Different Parenting Styles

It is not unusual for parents in divorced families to complain that the children are "difficult and troubled" after returning to one home after spending time in the other home.  Such complaints arise because the parents have different parenting styles.  One parent is often more lenient than the other.  Bedtimes in different homes are often different.  Styles of discipline are likely to differ.  Parents often report that the child "does not want to go to the other parent's home."  Parents, more often than not, perhaps even unconsciously, want the child to like or love them more than they do the other parent.

The key to avoiding these pitfalls is consistency in how each parent treats and disciplines the child.  Agreement on bedtimes, types of discipline; homework, and a myriad of other issues will help the child adjust to life after divorce.  Try to look at these issues from the child's eyes.  A child who has different routines at mom's house and at dad's is going to be confused, and in all likelihood will play one parent against the other.  While it is not easy, parents who care more about the welfare of their children than about themselves must communicate with their divorces spouse about these issue and how best to resolve them.  The following article by Rodalind Sedacca addresses these issues eloquently:

"Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration.  It's not uncommon for one parent to notice behaviour differences in their children when they return home from a stay with the other parent.  This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn't match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation?  Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce- and see if you can come to a better understanding.

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce- and in the years that follow.  If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life.

In families in which mom and dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequence can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous.  Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between mom and dad.

Children can pay the price emotionally- and  are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways.  When they play Mom against Dad everyone loses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don't point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame.  Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.

If you can't find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in mom and dad's homes and come to accept that as reality.

While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive.  Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you've stuck to them.  Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce.  For that reason give your kids some slack.  Allow them time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent.  Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don't jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn't ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it's that much more difficult for them- physically as well as emotionally."